


ugly

by Hauno



Category: Love Live - Fandom, Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, also its in 2nd person sorry, its more focusing on hanayo herself than umi/umipana but. yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 05:22:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11029497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hauno/pseuds/Hauno
Summary: you feel disgusting.





	ugly

**Author's Note:**

> this is different than my normal writing style, i'm sorry. i've been having a lot of issues with my ED myself, so i decided to vent with hanayo because **shrug emoji**  
> regardless, hope you enjoy it.

you want to be thin. you want to be beautiful, like the rest of those idols that you see everywhere. beautiful like the rest of the idols in µ’s. beautiful. beautiful. you want people's jaws to drop as soon as they see you; you want to look like a doll-- one of those dress-up dolls that look cute in absolutely everything, even sweatpants and especially those cute frilly above-the-knee dresses that everyone wears. everyone but you. you stand in front of the full-body mirror in your room in your underwear, pressing your hands against your stomach-- and all you could think of was

 

fat. 

 

you stare at yourself in disgust. you don’t know how you got like this in the first place, but god, you’re fat. you hadn’t been so worried about this before until you realized how out of breath you were while running a few weeks ago, and decided to look at yourself in the mirror and see how you truly are. you glance over at the scale in your room with utter  _ fear and terror  _ in your eyes. you don’t want to know how much you’ve gained since you last ate. you don’t want to feel like a disappointment because you couldn’t finish Umi’s training schedule that she’d set up for you because you were too  _ fat,  _ and you ran out of breath after every few seconds when you started to jog. 

 

you make your way over to the scale. you know what you have to do, even though you don’t want to do it. you slowly put your left foot on it, not looking on the number, and hesitate to put your right one on too, but god you do it. you stand up straight, you’re afraid to look down. you don’t want to look down, but you know you have to. you know not looking at your weight is a mistake, you know that it won’t help you (but none of what you’ll do will, either). 

 

  1. it reads two-fucking-hundred and sixty five. you nearly vomit when you see those numbers, you get light-headed, you tumble off of the scale and hit your back up against the wall and slowly slide down. you sit there against the wall for what feels like hours, crying your eyes out, wondering why you’re like this and wondering why you let yourself get this bad. 



 

‘’hanayo?’’ a familiar voice calls from outside of your door. you panic, jump up and throw on a sweater (to hide your muffin top) and some leggings. you reply in your normal sweet voice (though even that sounds a little bit shaken), ‘’u-umi-chan? what’re you doing here?’’

 

‘’you weren’t picking up your phone, so i had thought it’d be best to stop by and see if you were okay-- i wanted to call you to see if you wanted to go out somewhere tonight?’’ umi replies, happily to you in her ever-so calm voice.

 

you space out before you can say anything. you get lost in remembering umi’s beauty. how she’s so skinny, talented and gorgeous -- not to mention strong. you can recall the gentle feeling of being held in her arms and loving it. you worry that someone like umi can get someone better than you. that someone with beauty like umi will leave you, an ugly, fat, pathetic loser who’s not talented at anything except for gaining weight. 

 

somehow, you’re jealous of your girlfriend.

 

‘’hanayo, are you okay?’’ umi’s voice rings through your head. you shake yourself out of your dissociation and open the door for for her and invite her into your room. umi steps in, staring at you with so much concern in her eyes (though, you think it’s because she thinks you’re ugly).

 

you panic and laugh off all your fear. ‘’i-i’m totally fine, umi-chan! why do you ask?’’ 

 

‘’because i can tell you’ve been crying. also, you’re not the type to ignore your phone and then ignore me when i ask about it.’’ her voice is stern, and it scares you, just a little bit.

 

you shake your head. ‘’i’m fine, umi-chan.’’ there’s nothing in your voice that’s worth trusting.

 

umi looks around at the area, noticing how your scale is left out, how everything’s out of order and your room looks like chaos. she looks you dead in the eye.

 

‘’hanayo, what is wrong?’’ she grips your hands. her hands are so warm compared to how yours have felt lately. you’ve been cold, but she isn’t. ‘’hanayo, i’m your girlfriend, you can tell me anything, you know that i love you, so why don’t you-’’

 

you can’t control your breathing. you hyperventilate and panic and fall onto the floor because you don’t know what else you can do. umi panics, too, and falls on the floor next to you, and gently wraps her arms around you. she squeezes you tighter and tighter and wipes your tears from your face as they fall down to your cheeks. you know that she doesn’t know what to do, but she’s trying her best. just like how you could’ve been trying your best for her. to do her schedule. to get in shape so you could sound decent while singing live. you can’t breathe because of how everything is piling down on you now. 

 

you finally manage to calm yourself down, and you just stare at umi, who’s also crying. you caused this because you can’t control fucking control yourself in anyway. you want to learn how it feels to be in control for once. you hurt the person you loved most, so now you think it’s time to change. 

 

‘’hanayo, are- are you okay now?’’ umi says, her voice stuttering. ‘’maybe it’s best if we don’t go out tonight-’’

 

‘’i-i think that’s best, too.’’ you give in. you don’t want to be dragged some place when you could be at home, purging all the food out of your system at any given time; working out until you drop, and crying yourself to sleep. ‘’maybe next weekend…?’’ you squeak. umi nods.

 

‘’do you want me to stay with you, hanayo?’’ she asks. and god. you are so, so so so tempted to say yes. but you don’t want to be selfish, you know umi has other things to do.

 

‘’n-no, it’s alright.’’ you put on your best smile. ‘’i’ll be fine… just, u-um, call me later.’’ 

 

umi nods. she comes in for a kiss, and you let her, because that was the only thing that ever made you feel a little bit better anymore. she doesn’t back off, and you don’t want her to. you run your hands through her hair and twirl it before she finally pulls back from you. 

 

‘’i love you, hana-chan.’’ she gives a saddened smile.

 

‘’i love you too, umi-chan.’’ you smile, knowing that if you can’t love yourself, at least someone else can.

 

(even though you think it’s fake, you’ll go with it, just because it can make you feel happy.)


End file.
